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May 25, 2010

Two For Tuesday: Party Time. Excellent.

Kate Hart
What is it? Post two of anything: book reviews, pictures, quotes, poems, songs, videos, rants, shout outs, whatever floats your boat. Just connect them somehow. That's it.

Today: Things that are awkward and awesome.

One: A few months ago, Kody interviewed agent Sarah LaPolla on YA Highway, and she mentioned she's seen Wayne's World over 50 times. I thought, "Hey! I've seen Wayne's World over 50 times!" In the comments, I joked about writing her a query all in quotes from the movie, and she said it wouldn't guarantee a request... but it would be amazing.

Fast forward a few weeks. I wrote the damn thing. The YAH girls said I should send it. Kody said she'd marry me if I did. Cory and Kathleen and Laurie were bad influences on me.

So in a fit of silliness, I sent it.

We fear change.
Only then did it occur to me Sarah might think I was insane.

But yesterday, she read it-- and she thought it was funny! What a relief! She didn't call me a weirdo or take out a restraining order! In fact, she said it was "hip and fresh like Noah's Arcade," which suggests that even if she's not a match for my book, it's possible we were separated at birth!

Anyway, a few people wanted to read the query, so I thought I'd toss it up here, but first: In the immortal words of my father, "Do as I say, not as I do." Sarah seems pretty freaking cool, but like she said on Twitter: Please don't try this at home.

Ah, the Mirthmobile. Excellent.
Dear Sarah,
I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in the publishing business-- almost to the top-- but it can't get you everything. This business is subjective-- I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees. But I figure querying is a lot like hurling: If you blow chunks and the agent comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be.

I know I don't have Stephen Chboski’s looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines, and I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw... But like you, I adore PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER, and I’m hoping you will find REFUGE, my 88,000-word YA paranormal novel, to be a totally amazing, excellent discovery that makes you say, “It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.”

Of course, should you reject REFUGE (no Stairway?! Denied!), I’ll get over it. I’ll go out with somebody else. Even if it does suck my will to live. I can be a man! *splashes water on face* I don’t mind! But you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!

Okay, all except that last part. The real worst part would be you not remembering our exchange in the comments of your YA Highway interview. I’m not mental, I swear. The mega happy ending—I mean, my real query is below.

Kate Hart

Psycho hose beast.
PS. Seriously, don’t be scared. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. And I don’t really plan to hurl. I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.

PPS. You guys. We're looking down on Kate's query. Only... that's not Kate's query.
Sarah! That was a haiku! Excellent.

Guys: If you see any agents who are huge Zoolander fans, let me know. I could totally write a query involving really really really really ridiculously good looking orange mocha frappuccinos.

Two: While I'm walking the line between acceptable and inappropriate, I might as well include this freaking hilarious post from Evil Slutopia: The Cosmo Boob Lovers Shopping List. The authors examine why the hell Cosmo would suggest putting tomato sauce, eggs, beer and other bizarre items on one's breasts. Apparently it's to make them more attractive.

Yes. I've noticed most men need to be coerced into looking at boobs. It's a real problem.

ETA: So I feel really weird having mentioned Sarah by name. I think her tweet makes it okay? But I'm not sure. So this is my disclaimer: I FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THIS POST. But I feel it necessary to spread the Wayne's World gospel. Very conflicted.


  1. Kate. That letter was excellent. It made me want to do the Foxy dance.

  2. That query never gets old. And the Chuck Norris graphic = brilliant.

  3. Chuck Norris is cooler than boobs. Let's just face it.

    And I love that you did this LOL.

  4. I've never seen Wayne's World! *hides*

  5. That query is FTW. Also - that post on Slutopia keep laughing and my boss is like WTF?!

  6. Love it! Awesome! And I understand why you feel weird, but I don't think you should - Sarah obviously has a sense of humor and enjoyed the query. :)

  7. Wow, you have major guts! I love it, totally!

  8. You made my day, Kate :)

  9. That was amazing. I could totally write a Zoolander query too.

  10. You mean the trick was finding an agent who loves Buffy and writing her a Buffy query? ;-)





    i mean CLAPPING.

    that was brilliant!

  12. You are made of Win.

    That is all.

  13. That query needs framing in your office. It is made of awesomesauce! LOL

  14. What they all spades!

    You make me so proud! *sniffle*


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