Today: Things that are awkward and awesome.
One: A few months ago, Kody interviewed agent Sarah LaPolla on YA Highway, and she mentioned she's seen Wayne's World over 50 times. I thought, "Hey! I've seen Wayne's World over 50 times!" In the comments, I joked about writing her a query all in quotes from the movie, and she said it wouldn't guarantee a request... but it would be amazing.
Fast forward a few weeks. I wrote the damn thing. The YAH girls said I should send it. Kody said she'd marry me if I did. Cory and Kathleen and Laurie were
So in a fit of silliness, I sent it.
|We fear change.|
But yesterday, she read it-- and she thought it was funny! What a relief! She didn't call me a weirdo or take out a restraining order! In fact, she said it was "hip and fresh like Noah's Arcade," which suggests that even if she's not a match for my book, it's possible we were separated at birth!
Anyway, a few people wanted to read the query, so I thought I'd toss it up here, but first: In the immortal words of my father, "Do as I say, not as I do." Sarah seems pretty freaking cool, but like she said on Twitter: Please don't try this at home.
|Ah, the Mirthmobile. Excellent.|
I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in the publishing business-- almost to the top-- but it can't get you everything. This business is subjective-- I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees. But I figure querying is a lot like hurling: If you blow chunks and the agent comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be.
I know I don't have Stephen Chboski’s looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines, and I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw... But like you, I adore PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER, and I’m hoping you will find REFUGE, my 88,000-word YA paranormal novel, to be a totally amazing, excellent discovery that makes you say, “It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.”
Of course, should you reject REFUGE (no Stairway?! Denied!), I’ll get over it. I’ll go out with somebody else. Even if it does suck my will to live. I can be a man! *splashes water on face* I don’t mind! But you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!
Okay, all except that last part. The real worst part would be you not remembering our exchange in the comments of your YA Highway interview. I’m not mental, I swear. The mega happy ending—I mean, my real query is below.
PS. Seriously, don’t be scared. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. And I don’t really plan to hurl. I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.
Psycho hose beast.
PPS. You guys. We're looking down on Kate's query. Only... that's not Kate's query.
Sarah! That was a haiku! Excellent.
Guys: If you see any agents who are huge Zoolander fans, let me know. I could totally write a query involving really really really really ridiculously good looking orange mocha frappuccinos.
Two: While I'm walking the line between acceptable and inappropriate, I might as well include this freaking hilarious post from Evil Slutopia: The Cosmo Boob Lovers Shopping List. The authors examine why the hell Cosmo would suggest putting tomato sauce, eggs, beer and other bizarre items on one's breasts. Apparently it's to make them more attractive.
Yes. I've noticed most men need to be coerced into looking at boobs. It's a real problem.
ETA: So I feel really weird having mentioned Sarah by name. I think her tweet makes it okay? But I'm not sure. So this is my disclaimer: I FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THIS POST. But I feel it necessary to spread the Wayne's World gospel. Very conflicted.