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June 27, 2010

If Your Coffin Is a Double Wide, You Might Be a...

Kate Hart
That's right. In her infinite awesome, Kathleen took the last picture in my post from last week and made the cover for REDNECK TWILIGHT: An Arkansas vampire love story.


Which made me wonder. I know there are plenty of southern vampires (Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood, Jasper, Louis). But where are the immortal good 'ole boys? The football-watching, beer-drinking, bass-fishing undead?

Maybe they are... all around us....
*looks around fearfully*

If so, it would be helpful to have a list of identifying characteristics to tip us off. That's where I come in.

Original (ridiculously Photoshopped)
picture is here.
You might be a redneck vampire if...
  • your coffin is a double wide.
  • friends gather 'round and yell "chug! chug!" while you shotgun a victim. 
  • your Volvo is up on blocks in the front yard.
  • you're missing a fang.
  • the dog protecting your crypt is a blue heeler.
  • black Hefty bags and duct tape keep the sunlight out of your house.  
  • you've been undead for several decades but there's still a KFC bucket in the bed of your pickup. 
    • you like basketball player victims so you can joke about "drinking a tallboy."
    • you don't need xmas lights to keep your house sparkling year round.
    • you're looking forward to deep fried blood at the state fair.
    • even though it wouldn't kill you, you wouldn't dare climb in your mortal girlfriend's window because her daddy's sitting on the front porch with a shotgun. 
    • your cape is lined with a Confederate flag. 
    • you'd be wearing a wifebeater and cutoffs if it weren't for all that damn sparkling.
    • mortals are always safe from you on the holy grounds of Graceland.
    • you're psyched that your unchanging body means never having to trim the front of your mullet again.

    The sequel:



    ETA: I totally forgot to say-- please play along in the comments, it would make my life.


    *In his defense, my husband would never drink Pabst Light. Pabst Heavy, on the other hand...
    **Many thanks to my BFF for helping generate this list.
    ***And remember, making fun of rednecks is like making fun of someone's family: I can do it, because they're mine. You can't. ;) 
    ****Unless of course you also have rednecks in the family, in which case, go right ahead.
    *****I really, really like footnotes.
    ******Really.

    20 comments:

    1. lol, you're so funny! This was hilarious, and I love the covers! Priceless.

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    2. Hilarious! Shaking the bed while trying to laugh quietly and hubs just huffed at me for disturbing him - too much!

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    3. missing a fang.

      MISSING A FANG.

      this is brilliant.

      the mullet surpasses all of my expectations.

      ReplyDelete
    4. O.M.G.

      I am LMAO. I have died dead laughing. I am dead. XD

      ReplyDelete
    5. LOL How is it you manage to capture the South so wonderfully? Oh, wait, you're here too. :P

      I feel like there's a joke missing. Something about driving around down in the daylight on a tractor/riding-mower in town and causing car wrecks by sparkling? That sounds familiar...

      You're a hoot. :P

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    6. Oh. My. God. The confederate flag. I... OMFG. <333

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    7. I'M ACTUALLY DYING FROM LAUGHTER.

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    8. LOLOLOLOL This is epic. You are sheer genius.

      ReplyDelete
    9. photoshopped Edward w/confederate flag cape FTW FTW FTW aaahh!

      Can't wait to show everyone in my life the cover of "Breakin' Dawn."

      you = awesome.

      ReplyDelete
    10. LOVE this! I've forwarded the link to this post to Twilight friends. So creative!

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    11. LOL. Loved the missing a fang one!!

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    12. Hey, all I saw in the YA section is Steph Meyer's Twilight--where's your husband's copy???? Is it in the adult section?

      And I totally need a redneck vamp around the house--who wouldn't like a year-round sparkling house, without even using x-mas lights??

      ReplyDelete
    13. As a true southerner (born in GA, lived in SC for 10 years) I must say this is awesome.

      That photo of a preggers-bride in front of the trailer with her mullet man... almost just too real to be funny. Almost.

      ReplyDelete
    14. Your blog freakin' rocks!!! I am visiting over from Tareheh's place!

      I love the pictures, honestly that's what put me over the edge laughing!!!

      Look forward to more, hope you stop by to say hi!

      ReplyDelete
    15. The amount of funny I find on this blog is liable to poison me. But its okay - I have no problem being poisoned by laughter. <33333

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    16. if....

      You have ever had to spit out your copenhagen to bite a girl.

      Show your fangs to people at Walmart in the 20 item or less lane who clearly have 23 items.

      Mounted the heads of victims on the wall and begin your storys about them with "Me an Bubba were just sitting in the bar when we saw this one hittin on his sister....

      You have an Ex you refer to as indigestion.

      ReplyDelete
    17. Nascar races.... that one just doubled me over.Ow. My sides hurt!

      ReplyDelete

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